Michael Bay diarrhea
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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