In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
