Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
