Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
