I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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