but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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