I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
