the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
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How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
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Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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