He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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