What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
