so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
