my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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