I cannot find my penis.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
