I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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