Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
