Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
