I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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