I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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