I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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