drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
