there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
