Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
