did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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