You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
