Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
