The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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