I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
