Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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