"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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