I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
