I accidentally burped into my bong.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
