I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I wear drunk well.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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