wanna go halves on a baby?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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