Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
