Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
