my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
