she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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