Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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