be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
