chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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