Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
