I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Never underestimate the power of titties
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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