If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
