It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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