Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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