It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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