We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
