Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
