dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
