I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
