Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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