someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
