i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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