Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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