I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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