did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
