Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Success! We fucked roommates!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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