I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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