just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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