you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
