I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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