it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
