Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
